[RANT] Bands, Please Fucking Design Merch For Bodies That Aren't Just Mens

I hate to rain on my own parade amidst the launch of the limited edition deluxe version of Hyperspace complete with an ABSOLUTELY STUNNING visualizer of aforementioned album that were generated via an AI that was utilizing NASA JPL footage, but while the feelings are still fresh and I have a second, I’d like to share the experience of ✨Being A Super Fan Who Is Also A Womxn✨. ICYMI, in addition a truly beautiful and well made web experience that Beck made in collaboration with NASA, my favorite all time artist also unveiled a bunch of limited edition merchandise for pre-order to coincide with the collab.

Keep in mind that currently we are at the intersection of probably two of my favorite things: Beck and space. We can even add in the AI usage component into it, too. So, yeah, I was definitely hype. I was triple hype, even. So much so that I arranged my day around making myself available for the rollout of this because in addition to sharing a collective hype moment with other Beck fans, I know as a fan that scarcity is a thing and if there’s limited edition anything you can’t sleep on that shit.

So there I am, the deluxe version now pumping through my ears after watching the “Hyperlife” video premiere on YouTube (knowing that I’ll spend even more time absorbing those videos this evening), browsing the merch, when I see that there’s a shirt for “Dark Places”, a song that I have used to soothe me on my way out of a really rough patch of life, and click through to the detail page.

Within seconds I’m disappointed.

Please take a moment to look at the shirt below and tell me if anything calls out to you just at a quick glance. Don’t spend too much time on it, just take like…3 seconds.

images of Beck’s recently unveiled limited edition “Dark Places” shirt

Did anything stand out to you?

Knowing that I am in a particularly nitpicky mood today because my favorite things happen to be all working in concert for this particular moment, I used my go-to gut check on my reaction to this: the group text of girlfriends. Please observe:

That response was so fast I thought at first I thought she was responding to something else we had been talking about, but seconds later everyone else chimed in with their reaction and disappointment with the design choices on my behalf.

So why was I disappointed to see this?

Because boobs.

I got ‘em. Half the planet has ‘em, a lot of them are even trying to make theirs bigger. Boobs make designs like this look shitty. As my friend so quickly pointed out, that space blob is either going directly on one of my boobs or will be hidden directly under it.

Now I know someone on the world wide web might be skimming this rolling their eyes like, “JFC Kibbe there are multiple shirts just get one of the other ones why are you letting this upset you so much? 🙄” And yes, there’s another short sleeve design and a long sleeve one. But look at that long sleeve shirt. Do you see where the celestial body on the front would lay on a human body that resembles mine? Directly over my left chesticle all big as hell. 😑

I’m not trying to have a solo space titty right now, or probably ever. I’m just trying to be an AI Generated Beck Babe In Space™, you feel me? But because my body doesn’t appear to have been taken into consideration, I now am basically forced into one option unless I want to take a chance on the other two.

Do you know how incredibly frustrating that is?

Especially if you focus in on the NASA part of this equation for a second. NASA is constantly championing womxn in STEM in order to attract girls to get involved at an early age because there’s such a huge gender gap. To be clear, I cannot praise the work they did on this Hyperspace activation enough in terms of how beautiful the site and the videos look. I also adore how much they went out of their way to link to specific missions where the original footage for the videos came from. It’s not just a rich experience, it’s fucking gorgeous.

URL vs. IRL though…😞 They robbed me of some well deserved joy as someone so deeply passionate about both. The FOMO is real! 😩

I feel like I should make it clear that it’s really uncomfortable for me to point this out because overall from a design standpoint for his merch offerings, I’d say dude normally does a pretty good job of not letting this happen. Also because, you know, 💥I’m probably just being an overly sensitive womxn about this and when womxn stick their necks out on the internet weird shit happens.💥

But if you’re not a womxn, let me ask you something:

How often are you taking your body parts into consideration when you’re browsing a merch store (or pre-covid, a merch table)? Is it every single time?

Goddamn it sure is for me. This is something that since I have been old enough to go to shows by myself (which was well after puberty hit) that I have had to think about. I have no doubt other womxn are in the same boat. I see band shirts as the opportunity to invest in an artist that I love and have bragging rights about it. I fucking love them. Just in Beck shirts alone I currently have five of the fucking things in my closet. That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to choose something different because not just my body, but apparently my entire gender was overlooked. Which is so weirdly frustrating, especially when there’s data that supports that in terms of retail therapy shopping that womxn statistically spend more money than men on clothes, in addition to this 2011 study that gets referenced a good bit that says that womxn typically spend more on merchandise than men do (they’re more likely to spend more on recordings, respect).

It’s pretty standard for band shirts to be billed as “unisex”, at least in sizes. Occasionally womxn get thrown a bone and we are offered a few shirts that are cut to be more flattering to our beautiful curvy bodies, but often times the cuts aren’t of the same designs as the unisex shirts. Furthermore, if I’m being honest, most of the time I pass on those shirts because the designs just aren’t as interesting or cool as the shirts geared towards men/”everybody”. UPDATE: A friend in the group chat above also reminded me that even with those womxn sizes that most of the time those shirts run very petite which in womxn’s clothing equates to …not very boob friendly.

Let’s continue to use Beck’s merch store as an example to speak to this. Currently, there are four womxn-specific styles on the site for run of the mill merch, three of which are very simple (1, 2, and the 3rd technically isn’t labeled as such but I’m being generous). One is, well, very boob-centric. Womxn are already sexualized enough throughout our every waking moments, so designs like the one I actually find kind of interesting could make other womxn really uncomfortable because it might invite unwanted advances. I’m supposed to be hype about a pair of mouths full of cherries over my boobs? Hell no, I’m not trying to be victim blamed if I complain about cat calling. I’m exhausted enough tryna make sure old white men stop thinking they have a say in what I do with my body. Not surprised at all this shirt is from an album cycle ago and is discounted right now. Not at all.

So out of the 26 designs that I could possibly wear (as I cannot fit into a onesie these days), only four were specifically designed with my body type in mind, but even then I’m not convinced.

Look, I’m not asking for bands merch stores to be so bloated with duplicates across various shirt styles so womxn don’t feel left out of this equation. I know from firsthand experience how complicated it can get just juggling solely a variety of unisex shirts in terms of sizing when a band is on the road. I know bands don’t want to get stuck with a bunch of stuff that needs to be deep discounted in order to get it out of their house/garage/warehouse so they can make room for more designs. I get it, you want to offer a variety, it’s cheaper to buy in bulk, and you can’t please everybody. But like, could we put a little bit more effort for HALF OF THE POPULATION WHO STATISTICALLY LOVE TO SPEND MONEY ON APPAREL?

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Instead of stressing over styles, allow me to propose a super short check list as a solution for any merch designers or bands out there who print on unisex shirts.

You ready?

From now on, consider asking yourself:

Does this look good on bodies that are….

1. FLAT (as in flat chested, aka the current default)

2. PHAT (as in Pretty Hot And Tempting bodies that belong to womxn)

3. FAT (why not take an extra second to make sure the design doesn’t lose it’s magic going on a 2XL/3XL shirt while you’re working on being more mindful?)

That’s it. Flat. PHAT. FAT. Say that shit three times fast. Flat. PHAT. FAT. Flat. PHAT. FAT. Flat. PHAT. FAT.

It sounds so silly but maybe it’s just ridiculous enough to actually fucking stick. Flat. PHAT. FAT.

Flat.

PHAT.

FAT.

One second per body, maybe three if you wanna round out the average to think about boobs while you’re designing (heh). All it takes.

So let’s go back to this Dark Places design that’s a bummer for boobies.. Please keep in mind that I slapped these together really quickly in Photoshop just to quickly visualize my point, so don’t come at me if something is off centered or whatever. But I wanted to point out that there were other ways to execute this design just by altering the placement with my body in mind that could be pretty fucking cool imo.

Ready?

Same placements, two different designs. They’re admittedly less artsy, sure, but both of these will look great on basically everyone. Hell, you could even leave the back text where it was on the original for the ⚡️aesthetic⚡️.

I’m feeling generous with my constructive criticism so here’s a couple more:

So this one might not work for 1 out of 3 of our check list. Again, not asking for EVERY. SINGLE. THING. TO. ALWAYS. BE. PERFECT. ALL. THE. TIME. I’m asking for an extra 3 seconds of effort to be more intentional with the ENTIRE audience in mind while designing. Might be cool to have something wrapped around the side of the shirt instead of totally front vs. back. I’ve seen them look good on lots of folks. It’s an option.

Okay one more and then I’m out of your hair I fucking promise:

BOOM. SNEAK ATTACK: DESIGN STYLE. Nothing on the front? Oh my you’re quite the thinker aren’t you? Subtly loving a band to death where only others can see easily. I like you, random fake Beck fan wearing this shirt. I don’t feel like cobbling together everything on the front of a shirt to show this idea in reverse, but do we get what I’m saying here?

Again, it doesn’t have to be perfect every single time, but when your limited edition merch is, well, limited, it would be nice if these were the times artists at least looked like they tried.

Never thought I’d be talking about my boobs on this corner of the internet, but here we are.

Flat. PHAT. FAT.

3 seconds. All I’m asking.

Flat. PHAT. FAT.

It's Time To Finish What We Started And #SaveOurStages

To date, over 1.5 million live music lovers nationally have written letters to their elected officials via SaveOurStages.com, but it’s not enough. Without an influx of federal funding 90% of independent music venues across the nation will collapse before congress reconvenes in the fall.

Within the next week, both the Save Our Stages Act and Restart Act, two bills that have been introduced and can ensure the survival of independent venues across the nation, will be up for vote in Congress. It’s time to make sure that these pieces of legislation get passed. Keep in mind that the Save Our Stages Act also impacts Broadway, so this isn’t just us fighting for our sacred music spaces. It’s up to the people to fight for the communal art spaces where we gather to connect over art.

We need to step up and finish what we started, y’all.

Today the New York Independent Venue Association (NYIVA) alongside with the newly formed National Independent Venue Association (NIVA) are calling for a day of action. If you were one of the 1.5 million angels who already submitted a letter with ease via the SaveOurStages site, there’s a new letter for you to fire off to your representatives urging them to pass these bills.

The list of NIVA members/venues speaks volumes in terms of both how hard our industry was hit and how many locally owned businesses have been impacted due to COVID. I think of how many times I have felt my heart sink walking past Knitting Factory, Baby’s All Right, or Music Hall of Williamsburg since the pandemic shut down NYC, unsure of how long it’s going to be until it’s safe to be sweating profusely in sold out show, grinning from ear to ear as the bass from the band I’m seeing shakes my entire body. These spaces are sacred and precious. We need to do everything we can to protect them right now against all of this uncertainty.

I know in NYC alone there are more than 1.5 million people appreciating music or Broadway at any given moment. If show going is your moment of sanctuary against the insanity of this thing we called life, I encourage you to take time out of your day today to first (obviously) send the latest letter to your representatives and then identify at least 5 friends you love being at shows with and directly put this in front of them. You can put this in your Instagram stories or post it on Facebook all you want, too, but take a moment to check in and make sure that the people you’re eager to share space with again are doing their part, too.

Please take the time to reach out to your representatives RIGHT NOW.

[RANT] Finding My Algorhythm

Today I’m happy to report that, somehow in the midst of a global fucking pandemic that I’ve managed to find myself in probably the best mental health state of my life. As much as quarantine has been a nuisance because of being so isolated, it has really allowed me to thoughtfully reflect on things I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to address. Throughout this period of healing, I’ve really come to treasure how my whacky, overworked brain, and big ass heart both truly eat, sleep, and breathe music every second of my day.

I'm not sure how many people who write about music can also say they have not only worked in music but that they’ve worn as many hats as I have while working in music. Since moving to NYC I’ve worked in music publishing and at labels (in both marketing and radio). I’ve been an artist manager. I’ve even been a tour manager. In addition to working in music, I’ve also had the opportunity to work in advertising with Fortune 500 brands doing social media. I am realizing more and more that my unique perspective gained from all of these experiences is probably a lot more useful than I had initially thought.

As I float around the internet I observe a lot. For example, I make it a point to take note in which bands cluster together. I also do really nerdy, data driven things like cross-reference number of streams, monthly listeners, and social media following in order to gauge where in their career an artist is likely at, based on my personal experiences with monitoring those numbers for the artists I worked with. While it’s not entirely how I decide who gets covered in this space, it certainly helps me navigate the complexities of attempting to lend the level of support any particular artist may need.

In the past few months, a data point that I have found myself increasingly more fixated on is the impact of the playlists that listeners are discovering these artists through. Furthermore, who is behind these playlists that are helping to drive the larger numbers. 

Are you surprised to hear that normally if 5 out of 5 of the displayed playlists are all owned by Spotify, that their monthly listeners, followers, and streams  are often exponentially larger?

Didn't think so lol. 

As someone who quite often romanticizes The Algorithm™ but keeps a watchful eye on Spotify, in the past few years I’ve become more aware of their editorial playlisting and its increasingly alarming impact on music, specifically from a community standpoint. I genuinely don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but Especially In the midst of a pandemic, observing bands of all shapes and sizes tripping over themselves to laud streaming platforms (but let’s be honest it’s mostly Spotify) for chucking one of their songs on a playlist so as to stay in their good graces is just…. well, it’s just as weird as it is just really fucking depressing. 

This is all while knowing full well that touring off the table for the foreseeable future. Thus it  makes sense that everyone is collectively scrambling to stay afloat. That said, something about witnessing this just makes the future look so…. bleak. I know these kinds of shoutouts are fairly standard for the industry for other formats. For example, it definitely makes more sense to shout out a radio DJ. The space on the airwaves is limited and there’s a lot of vetting that is involved to take a chance playing an artist on the radio. Something like this I think a DJ is more than entitled to being acknowledged for their efforts. 

But with playlists, especially with how limitless they seem to be, are they really generating enough value? It shouldn’t surprise you to hear that I’ve made a fuckload of playlists in my time on this planet so far. I can tell you that once you get the hang of how you want them to flow that they can be assembled fairly quickly and easily. For these platforms to do this it is not a lot of *work* to throw a metaphorical bone to a band by chucking a track into one of the probably thousands of editorial playlists that exist. To be sure, I am not discounting the overall taste or attentiveness to details of making a good mix, I just know that in-tools like Truffle Pig exist (which I imagine by now they have integrated into the tool they use for playlisting submissions). I am saying that there is no scarcity to the number of playlists in the way that there is obvious scarcity in the example of an artist attempting to get radio play. 

The thing that is concerning me the most these days is - what happens after that song hits a playlist? With the sheer volume of genres and mood-related playlists that Spotify’s editorial team can crank out all while knowing that there are algorithms at play tweaking a good number of these to keep you on the platform consuming and accumulate more data for either them to monetize like they apparently do with data on our moods (ps labels have been using Spotify to gather data on us, too). If I give Apple Music shit for being more concerned with being in the device business and Google the data business instead of solely the music business, then I really  simply can’t ignore the very blatant move on Spotify’s part to be more in the audio streaming business than the music business. I know there are a lot of factors at play here and I’m not tryna have a heated debate right now about streaming royalties because FUCK ME that all is so messy, political and honestly out of my jurisdiction (not to mention Mark Mulligan already has some meaningful thoughts on all that anyway).

For this moment I’d mostly just like to pose the following questions:

Is essentially ⚡️being paid in exposure⚡️ from Spotify’s editorial team actually impactful enough for musicians?

Especially right now, is scrapping for a shot at their reach actually worth it in terms of fan conversion? How does quality vs. quantity come into play here? Additionally, in the wake of how clear it’s become that the music community as a whole has some major cleaning up to do to be a truly inclusive and safe space - are we sure this approach to artist discovery is being mindful enough of that?

Look, I know it’s not the job of the massive industry gatekeepers to both exhaustively investigate and nudge every artist they’ve ever given the time of day to a certain level of success every single step of the way. I also know obviously that individual fans should be doing their own level of due diligence as both consumers and community members upon discovering a new favorite artist. But here’s another question to ask - are the majority of Spotify’s users aware of things like the massive housecleaning of sexual predators underway in the industry right now? If so - where are they learning about this and is it always after the fact and not an opportunity to dodge a predatory bullet? 

Meanwhile, it’s no secret that the state of music journalism is just as disheartening to be a part of. Even before the pandemic hit we all helplessly witnessed massive layoffs at a plethora of publications, including but not limited to music. In addition to the majority of the sites that were crucial for discovery during the Music Blogging Boom drying up, we’re now watching some of the most brilliant critical minds in our community pivoting to personal newsletters while they’re unemployed as a means to contribute to the community while also maintaining credibility. As much as I find this to be deeply admirable, I’m just as concerned with how this will play out in the long term as I am with the gap that I feel is widening between an artist’s initial exposure and career longevity.

So….

….. why the fuck am I saying all of this? 🤔

Well for one, I feel like if I didn’t air the above concerns that I wouldn’t be true to myself or to the community I have loved and lived to serve for the majority of my life. More importantly, and it makes me really uncomfortable to be this vulnerable, I’d like to use this opportunity while I have your attention to acknowledge that for the past few years I’ve struggled a lot with knowing how best to contribute to an industry that honestly has made me feel like I was no longer needed while simultaneously having a slew of strangers begging me to devour an onslaught of music both inside and out of my blogger inbox, form quality rapid-fire reviews,  promote, and maintain relationships with either publicists or artists directly.

Y’all, it’s really fucking hard being essentially an editorial staff of one, especially when your standards for artist coverage goes beyond mostly regurgitating the contents of a press release.  Furthermore, it has become increasingly difficult to not let my frustrations of not being respected as such get in the way of wanting to do right by the artists that come into my life in the variety of serendipitous ways they do. I mean fuck, within the confines of my inbox specifically, I am expected to respond to pitches from folks who either have clearly never even looked on my website based on what they send alongside the (let’s be honest) an unnecessary number of frantic follow up emails I get from familiar faces in hopes of coverage. A reminder that, although I am often presumptively pressured to deliver the same output that this specific editorial staff of one is not doing this full time nor am I being compensated for this work. It has taken me literally everything in my being not to rage quit altogether. To be clear, THIS IS ME ✨NOT✨ RAGE QUITTING. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

I guess this is all to say, if not for the sheer fact that I derive so much joy in sharing music, that I would have stopped throwing money at GoDaddy and Squarespace a long time ago. In my lifetime I’ve found sharing music to be the thing that has allowed me to best articulate my inner world to other people as a means to connect. Even before SKOA, the deep connections I made through music were personally transformative. Still, being afforded this platform has brought people into my life that mean so much to me that I’m in tears at the thought of a life without them. This is my way of making sure it’s known that I intend to continue to honor what music has done for me by doing the work and figuring out in real-time alongside all of you how to best foster a rich community of people who intend to help elevate and champion stories of musicians from various walks of life. I hope to fill in the gaps between that first dopamine hit from a song that grabs you to the second we get back to shows, whenever that may be. With (ugh) no end in sight to quarantine I really have nothing to lose here other than maybe money that could have been spent on records instead of overheard site costs. That said,  If you’re up to indulge me in this endeavor and show support, I’ve created a Patreon which I am open to tweaking to make sure the energy exchange is sufficient. In the meantime, as I find my algorhythm here, please know that I am open to feedback to what you think would be helpful or cool to be a part of.

In the meantime, because it wouldn’t be an update from me without music, please enjoy a collection of a fraction of the songs that helped me get to where we are now.

[SONG OF THE DAY] Tycho - "Japan"

photo credit: Scott Hansen

San Francisco soundscape crafters Tycho have returned with a new track, “Japan”, from their forthcoming album WEATHER, out on July 12th. "I had just returned from spending some time in Hakone, Japan with my wife's Japanese relatives," shares project brainchild Scott Hansen. "I was thinking a lot about the kinds of electronic music instruments I had been using when I first started making music in the late '90s. With 'Japan,' I was trying to recapture a part of that sound and combine it with the imagery and experiences from my trip to Hakone. I sent the song to Hannah with nothing more than the title of 'Japan' and she wrote all of the lyrics." As with the recent string of singles they’ve released from this album cycle, the band has offered a 2-pack, which includes the album version and an accompanying instrumental.

Speaking of said instrumental, I wanna talk about how frustrating it was to watch a large portion of the Tycho fandom essentially have a total fucking meltdown about the addition of angelic vocalist Saint Sinner to the mix. As previously mentioned, Hansen has shared how he’s really excited about incorporating the most “organic instrument” on the planet into the Tycho soundscape. I even admitted it was gonna take me a second to get used to the idea. That all said, as someone who lives to watch bands evolve and challenge themselves to push beyond any self or fan-made boundaries, to say I’m disappointed that some folks can’t see the opportunity the band is giving us to reflect on how truly powerful either type of performance is would be an understatement. Hansen is quick to detail the amount of thought that goes into each version, "I wanted to explore the idea of approaching songs from two entirely different perspectives,” he explains, “Similar to 'Pink & Blue,' the instrumental versions are not just the songs with vocals muted, they are different arrangements with different instrumentation and melodies in place of the vocals."

Even before skimming the press release to do this post, just this morning (almost a full month since the “Pink & Blue” writeup mind you) I found myself lost in thought while listening to both versions of “Japan”. I couldn’t help but reflect on how fascinating it is to watch this band begin to be able to articulate into words certain things that maybe their music hadn’t been able to previously. Maybe prior to now Tycho music was akin to those in religious settings who speak in tongues, not sure the exact or best way to fully express themselves, but deep down the sound does enough to speak for itself.

It’s certainly a concept that is worth taking some time to sit with, if only to deepen your appreciation for the band. I hope that those who were upset come around. Personally it just makes me love this band all the more knowing that they’re the ultra meticulous musicians I’ve grown to appreciate them to be busily fretting over every painstaking detail every step of the way with this release.

PS - have you pre-ordered Weather yet? Do you have your tickets for their extensive af world tour coming up? If not, get on that shit, fam!

TYCHO

"WEATHER WORLD TOUR"

2019

JULY

21 - Byron Bay, Australia - Splendour In The Grass *

23 - Melbourne, Australia - Forum Melbourne

24 - Sydney, Australia - Sydney Opera House

26 - Niigata Prefecture, Japan - Fuji Rock Festival '19 *

SEPTEMBER

5 - Los Angeles, CA - Greek Theatre **

6 - Berkeley, CA - Greek Theatre #

7 - Portland, OR - Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall #

8 - Seattle, WA - Paramount Theatre #

11 - Denver, CO - The Mission Ballroom #

13 - Minneapolis, MN - Palace Theatre #

15 - Chicago, IL - Aragon Ballroom #

16 - Toronto, ON - Sony Centre for the Performing Arts #

18 - Boston, MA - Wang Theatre - Boch Center #

19 - New York, NY - Summerstage #

20 - Philadelphia, PA - Franklin Music Hall #

21 - Slippery Rock, PA - Resonance Music & Arts Festival *

23 - Detroit, MI - The Masonic #

24 - Columbus, OH - Express Live #

26 - St Louis, MO - The Pageant #

27 - Kansas City, MO - CrossroadsKC #

2020

FEBRUARY

9 - Oslo, Norway - Rockefeller #

10 - Stockholm, Sweden - Vasteatern #

11 - Copenhagen, Denmark - Vega Main Hall #

13 - Hamburg, Germany - Uebel & Gefahrlich #

14 - Cologne, Germany - Live Music Hall #

15 - Paris, France - Elyse Montmartre #

17 - Brussels, Belgium - AB Ballroom @ Ancienne Belgique #

18 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso #

19 - Berlin, Germany - Huxley's #

21 - Warsaw, Poland - Praga Centrum #

23 - Prague, Czech Republic - Roxy #

24 - Budapest, Hungary - Akvarium #

25 - Vienna, Austria - WUK #

27 - Milan, Italy - Fabrique #

28 - Bologna, Italy - Estragon #

MARCH

1 - Barcelona, Spain - Sala Apolo #

5 - London, UK - Printworks #

* Festival Performance

** Chrome Sparks

# Poolside

[RANT] Please Stop Downgrading Women’s Fandom To Romantic Adoration

See this man? I love his music and therefore love and support him in every way I can. That doesn’t mean I want to have sex with him. I can’t believe I have to even say this. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Over the weekend, news broke that seven time Grammy winner and one of the most important artists in my life, Beck, had filed for divorce from his wife of 17 years.

Less than a week prior, the world saw him snag 2 of said Grammys at the 61st Annual Grammy Awards show. Earlier in the week I had been discussing with fellow Beck superfans how great it must feel to finally be seeing the amount of success and recognition for his art that we all thought he should’ve had for basically decades now. In my mind, Beck had to be super happy, therefore I was super happy for him.

Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

I don’t know why they’re getting divorced and frankly I don’t care because it’s none of my business.

What I do care about, is that I couldn’t have a moment of empathy for someone who means a lot to me without having to be on the defensive for my level of fandom and feeling the need to tweet something like this when the news broke:

Swear to god if any of you link me to the news about Beck's divorce and are like "now's your chance!" I will end you

— empress of zero chill💖 (@kibbe) February 16, 2019

The quick “cute” comments I’ve received from people I either barely know or are relatively close to have been all something to the effect of, “Get in there, girl!”, “You’re in”, “Where’s my wedding invite?”, and my new favorite from today where someone suggested that the reason I finally changed my profile picture across the internet after 10 years is because I “didn’t want Beck to get the wrong idea now that he’s getting a divorce”.

Yes, I celebrate the man’s birthday like it’s a friend’s birthday. Yes, I was the person who claimed /r/Beck from becoming a portal for Glenn Beck on Reddit. Yes, I occasionally sit in private Facebook groups analyzing his Instagram posts. Yes, I have a stockpile of bootlegs. Yes, I’ve seen him perform live over a dozen times. Yes, I will most likely mourn his inevitable death to the same level I have for friends and family (perhaps more tbh).

Yes, I am a superfan to the extent that people in my life think of me when his music comes on.

….so why the HELL does that equate to me wanting to essentially just fuck the man?

Let me do my best to explain to what happens in my brain simultaneously when people make comments like this to me.

On a top level:

• I’m immediately downgraded from a full human being to a female sex object. Am I really just on the planet to be sexualized and fuck a lot? NO.

• I’m frustrated that my career in the music business isn’t where I hoped it would be at my age and a lot of that has to do with not getting afforded the same chances men get in music thanks to sexism.

• I relive dodging gropey men at music industry winter holiday parties.

• I remember how many times I’ve had to shrink my level of interest talking about music at label jobs because I didn’t want to get dismissed as a “groupie”.

• Speaking of that triggering ass word, I remember how many times I’ve had someone say. “Oh so are you like a groupie for them or something?” When I spoke passionately about a band that had men in it.

• I remember the time I had to tell a band whose label brought me out to meet them for potential coverage that seemed uncomfortable to my general friendly demeanor, “I don’t wanna suck your dick. I just want to help you get famous” and how their mood changed immediately.

• I remember the time I co-hosted a CMJ showcase with The Audio Perv and all the other music blogger dudes who showed up thought I was someone’s girlfriend instead of the person who bought this domain, built the site, solicited pitches from publicists, etc. etc.

• I get angry on behalf of the women in music who have had it much worse than I have.

• Most importantly my capacity for love is immediately confined. Not just my capacity for love, but for every woman who loves music.

That’s really depressing if you think about it and that’s just me as a HUMAN PERSON!!! As a woman who has to choose every day to interact with male musicians, there is so much of my head space that I occupy with trying to overcome the above as I write reviews, leave meaningful comments on artists social posts, and just generally try to be the person I know I am. Imagine if I could just like….spend all my brain power seeking and reporting on Turkish goth bands carving out a space in the Turkish music scene, the badass house DJ who helped pioneer the first music production course at a Girls Rock Camp, or any of the other artists out there that could end up being the thing that YOU get as hopelessly devoted to as I am to Beck.

I wanna talk about that, too. Since I’ve addressed above the way my capacity for love gets shrunken to whatever box people think my fandom should fit in. When my fandom gets discounted as something silly or seen as anything other than just, well, fandom, it dismisses:

• The degree of loyalty that I am capable of.

• The fact that I’m not sure if I’d be where I am today writing this very thing without Midnite Vultures because that record gave me the permission to be as different or weird as I wanted to be.

• The transformative power music has over me and my desire to share that with others.

• The money I’ve invested in something I believed in.

• The love-centered the community I have to turn to for more than just Beck’s music.

• The ways his music informed details in my methods of self-expression.

….and a ton of other things that I can easily identify has deeply rooted bits that factor into my identity. Whether we want to admit to it or not, music shapes all of us to some varying degree. Just because I express my gratitude for that by providing as much support as I am able to should not make me less of a person. I’d say it’s the opposite, honestly.

So please. For the love of the song that makes you feel things the most, just let me love whatever music I want to, however hard I want to, without your preconceived ideas of how you think loving art works or any assumptions rooted in patriarchal garbage nonsense.