diSKOAver weekly: week of March 15, 2023
omg I’m so tired of winter. 😩
I know spring is coming. I see hints of it everywhere. I’ve had days lately where I’ll be freezing at an evening out somewhere because I forget that the sun can make chilly sunshiny days bearable. Even though I lived in New York for long enough that I know that sometimes there is snow on the ground for my birthday in April, as soon as I see Easter candy at the store the day after Valentine’s Day my brain is anticipating when I can start ditching all the layers. It doesn’t help at all that Raleigh weather is nutty and there were a couple of days where it was close to 80º so I was convinced it was almost *hoodie and flip flop season*.
I think this winter also feels especially irritating because in a way I feel like I’ve been in an emotional/spiritual winter of sorts for the last few years that feels like it’s coming to a close, too. For a second there I had a moment where I guess some 🌸metaphorical blossoms prematurely bloomed🌸 or something. Felt just like the fluke of a heatwave IRL. It was so nice when it seemed like it was all finally over, but apparently I’ve still got a little ways to go.😮💨 But the growth was there. I saw it. Which means the seeds I’ve been planting are about to make a move.
It’s so fucking hard being patient even if I know better. I’m tired of feeling like I’m dragging my way through my days with little to show for externally, even if this season in particular feels especially prescribed. I know I’ve needed this downtime, but I genuinely can’t tell what the appropriate pace for my life is anymore. Like I’m not sure if I’ve ever know what a balanced life actually feels like in my body. I know that the pace I was going at in New York was unsustainable, especially with no proper chance to rest from any of the metric shit ton of trauma I endured while I was there, but since I’ve been in Raleigh it feels like every time I’ve attempted to barely tap the accelerator it’s almost as if I’m being asked to slow down even more. Compared to what my life was pre-pandem I feel like from the outside my life looks about as exciting as watching paint dry. 😑 The thing is, there’s so much reprocessing and integration going on internally that I guess I shouldn’t be surprised about how much I’ve kept to myself. I feel like when my phone’s at 3% 🪫 and I switched it into low power mode so then it doesn’t take forever to get it back up to a full charge. I stripped my life down to the barest of essentials so I could focus on rapid restoration for as long as it felt right to. ⚡️
Surrendering to this whole process has been an ordeal of its own, but it would have been even worse if I hadn’t stayed dedicated to my meditation practice. Good lorde. you want something that costs zero fucking dollars and will dramatically transform you? Fucking meditate, yo. Take minimum 5 minutes out of your day and very tenderly, lovingly, and compassionately tell your 🧠 to STFU. Just hold the fuck still. Wipe the slate clean of all the mixed messages in your brain that are coming from every direction so you’re able to see where they come from and direct them accordingly when they inevitably come back. And they *will* come back. Meditation is a practice. It is never something you truly master.
Also - my Aries sun feels compelled to challenge you that if 5 minutes seems like too much time to be alone with your thoughts….. then make it fucking 10. Or 15. 🤪 Seriously. If it feels that impossible give yourself the space to actually practice. From when I picked it back up at the beginning of yoga teacher training through January I was averaging between 15-20 minutes every morning before I journaled. Then a thing happened in my life where I found myself in a predicament where I was really triggered and trying to do right by all parties involved. I noticed that I was having a hard time getting present. I kept trying to rehearse all sorts of scenarios so I felt prepared because I was scared that I would be rejected or abandoned for a mistake I made. It even hijacked my meditation practice. So I decided that until I could meditate without rehearsing overtaking my allotted time that I needed to practice for even longer. As a result, I’m averaging closer to 30 minutes every morning now. 🤯 It’s crazy how your body starts to crave that ritual of conscious stillness. My abandonment issues have long made stillness/silence an indicator that something bad is about to happen and I need to be on high alert, so that makes my practice nothing short of a fucking miracle. 😮💨 It’s been incredible how meditation has helped me see that stillness can be an invitation for you to experience the richness of life as it slowly unfolds in front of you, and as a result the dissemination occurs in such a way that no matter what you always feel prepared even if you’re going in completely blind because the commitment you’ve made to your peace is unwavering. It is an entirely different way of living when your emotions are simply helpful indicators on your HUD as you navigate this open world MMORPG we call life, but you remember that you’re the one holding the controller. 🎮
Spring will be here any minute now. Literally. The Equinox is on Monday. 🔜
Maybe these last few weeks have been like the last few minutes of a guided meditation where the guide cues for the meditator to invite gentle movement back into the body. Just like it’s generally not good for a car to go from zero to 150 in 30 seconds, one does not typically leap up wide eyed within seconds of true stillness. You wiggle your fingers and toes, roll your wrists and ankles, and maybe treat yourself to a full body stretch before you open your eyes to the world and all its stimuli. I’m hoping this is the literal final stretch before spring officially kicks off. Either way, I’m grateful to say that I’m genuinely looking forward to savoring every last second of this next phase now that I’m equipped to protect my peace every step of the way.
Until next time
💖
